at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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