i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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