TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
