I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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