After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
