he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
