i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
