We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
