Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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