M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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