my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
