i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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