No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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