Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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