i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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