Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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