Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
