I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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