ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
