When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize