My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
