my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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