My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
