The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He's a Shit stain on my heart
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
