She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm like, not good at living.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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