Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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