somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
