do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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