Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
