FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Randomize
