He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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