Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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