fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
