there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
