kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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