Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
