I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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