): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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