We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
