I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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