Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
