Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
