so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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