Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
