you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
