the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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