First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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