walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
