if you like me you must not know who I am
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
