We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
