There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize