Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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