And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
