So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
