I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
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