Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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