3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
