I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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