God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
