you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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